my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
