3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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