matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
operation harelip BJ is a go
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
