I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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