I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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