I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
