needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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