Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
