I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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