Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
