Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
