he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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