last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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