nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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