my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
