weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
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Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize