remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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