She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
