okay pat passed out under dana's car
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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