he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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