I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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