I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
