when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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