my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
