Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
