You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Please, let me fuck your mom
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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