Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
