I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
