i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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