I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
