I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
