I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize