I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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