Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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