Just fell off a train. Bad.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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