My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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