he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I party with great urgency now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
