I can text with my tongue
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
