I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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