Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
