When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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