so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
