Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
