She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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