mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
