Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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