I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
