I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
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Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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