There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
