He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
