Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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