its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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