You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
