I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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